GXAOUI's Journal

No energy

I have not posted because not much has changed for me recently, and I would like to use this journal for something other than bitching, and bragging but it’s just to much effort to write about anything…

I cannot keep up right now; normal activities are getting to be to wearing. I am getting a better handle on my meds, and diet, but I still have pain, not as much in some ways more in others. My system generally is not extracting enough energy and nutrients from what I consume. Eating more does not necessarily help since I cannot afford to eat that much or take the pills that I need to digest it. (The enzyme replacement pills are $1.25 per and @ 2-3 per meal, it becomes an interesting balance.) My motivation to eat at all is lessoned by the pain associated with digestion, the more I eat more likely I will have pain. So I end up not eating, and have no energy. At least I still have a hunger reflex, lost that for some time last spring got really skinny, it sucked. Fortunately it came back, I am doing my best not to go down that road again.

I have had to refocus my priorities, and concentrate on my health and finical issues, as I just do not have the energy for relationships. Things that seemed so easy and normal wear me out. I have to depend on manic episodes to get any thing major accomplished.

An 8-hour workday exhausts me, extended periods of exercise leave me depleted. In addition lately I do not have the wherewithal to control my addictive behavior and have fallen back into bad habits. Nothing terrible, but very unproductive and overall not benefiting me or the people I care about. The self induced celibacy, sucks but hopefully will give me the energy and opportunity to heal.

I need to do so many things right now and wish I had the strength for all of them.

The truck seems ok for the moment, I finally have all the parts I need to finish the engine swap on my motorcycle, back and current taxes need done, BM grants need rewritten, research need to be done on presenting my machine opera, and next week I will see a GI specialist at UCSF. I hope they can offer up some treatment plan as I cannot keep living this way much longer.

More when I have something positive to say. I hope that will be soon…

Current Mood: morose
Current Music: none as usual

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